I Don't Speaka Tha Language

I've always been a big believer in picking up a dictionary if you didn't know what a word meant.  Too many times, we see people ask someone else for a definition only to forget what it was a day later.  When I got a copy of my latest echo exam, I knew immediately that it was going to be hard to practice what I preached.  It seems that medical language is something more than a joke uttered about some drug ending in 'pril, 'pro, or 'prin.  Before getting PH, I used to laugh at the medicine prescriptions on the way to the pharmacist, as there was no way they would be able to decipher the chicken scratch and give me the right medicine.  But it turns out that doctors, nurses, and pharmacists do speak a different language, something called medspeak.  

Medspeak started out as a way for village medicine men to communicate with their fellow shaman without upsetting the village leader, or for that matter the village idiot.  If a village person became agitated or distraught, the medicine man would prescribe something called the chilquitadukadukapril.  That was later dumbed down to chill pill.  The tradition has lasted until this day.

Getting back to the echo results, I see some recognizable words like ventricle, valve, and doppler.  But it wasn't the weather that was being measured here.  Evidently there is some tomfoolery going on in my right ventricle and right atrium.  The shaman was back muttering something about tricuspidaorticmitralscleroticregurgitation.  This was definitely something beyond my understanding & also that of Merriam-Webster.  It was time to take a closer look.

Left Ventricle: Normal in size - left ventricular ejection fraction is normal (sounds like a math problem on a genius edition of Jeopardy) - transmitral spectral Doppler flow pattern is suggestive of impaired LV relaxation (OK, rest & relaxation can't be all bad) - flattened septum consistent with RV pressure overload (I don't even own a RV)

Right Ventricle: severely dilated (I promise I didn't smoke anything) - systolic function moderately reduced 

Atria:  left side is normal - right atrium is severely dilated (again with the implications - geesh)

Mitral Valve: normal - no significant stenosis - trace mitral regurgitation  (I don't recall having thrown up recently)

Tricuspid Valve: normal - moderate to severe tricuspid regurgitation - right ventricular systolic pressure is elevated at>60mmHg (OK this sounds kinda serious, but is greater than 60, 61 or 90? All this medspeak and no specifics)?

Aortic Valve: is trileaflet - mildly sclerotic - no aortic stenosis - no aortic regurgitation (Great...mildly erotic leaflets that don't make you throw up)

Pulmonic Value: not well visualized (maybe because they were the ones smoking drugs & had the dilated eyes, not me)

Pericardium/Pleural: no pericadial effusion (evidently, they weren't invited to the party)

The echo goes on to list a number of measurements and calculations, some of which surely could tell you how long the man has lived on the moon.  I knew I should've manned up & paid the cardiologist $50 for the Medspeak-English Dictionary.  I see the Lung Shaman next week.  He better have answers or I might have to break out the voodoo doll.